multigenre poem comic

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my guide to your wedding

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Did you know that a wedding dress has to be hemmed? They make them long on purpose so that somebody else can get paid to chop it to your exact right length. For your fitting, you will need to bring your exact right shoes and know the exact right type of floor you will be standing on. The seamstress will have an oxygen tank and make you stand in the front window of her store. You will feel--and will quite literally be-- on display. Women coming in and out will smile and tell you you look beautiful even though you are a mess from teaching kindergarten all day.  In addition to the dress and the alterations and the shoes, you will also need a special bra that shapes your waist and hoists your sagging tits back a decade. You will put this all on your parents’ credit card, with their semi-blessing and a constant reminder that you are cut off the second the judge signs your marriage license.  Did you know that you can ask to put your wedding dress in the “Captain’s Closet” when...
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my new air conditioner, the absolute unit

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I installed our new air conditioner this morning. The more details I include, the less impressive it sounds. It’s portable, it even has little wheels, and I made Connor carry it up the stairs for me. I “helped” by putting one hand tenderly under the bottom corner and asking the whole time “Are you sure you’ve got it?” It is not a window unit, so it wasn’t even a balancing act. I really only had to follow two and a half pages of directions--with pictures-- and click a couple of plastic pieces together so that the hot air could be pumped out of our window. The only tool I needed was a single screwdriver, which I immediately dropped out of the second-story window. Connor asked where I was going and laughed very hard when I told him that I had to go outside to get our screwdriver. He said I could have killed somebody, and oh boy, trust me, I’d already worked that all over before the stupid thing even hit the ground.  I fell asleep sweating and woke up sweating, so I knew today was t...
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birthday month

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In my family, we call it a birthday month. For some, it starts on the first day of the month of our birthday, like my mom whose birthday is the last day of June. For others, like me and my sister, it starts a full calendar month beforehand. Our birthdays are in the first weeks of our months. It simply wouldn’t be fair otherwise.  We have a groupchat where we say goodnight every night. My dad started it with my sister and me and my grandma after my grandpa died. My mom found out about it months later and demanded to be added. But it’s like she doesn’t get the rules all the way. She was on a stretch for a while where she sent a buck-tooth glasses-wearing emoji every night, while we were all sending “Goodnight, I love you”’s. It was almost like she was protesting being left out. Which is fair. But it’s been three years. In the groupchat, we are expected to keep an eye out for impending birthdays and wish the special person a happy birthday month, week, and day. On the day, we ca...
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