am i lactose intolerant or a hypochondriac?

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        Every couple of months, I decide that Something Else is wrong with me, and then I take all these weird and drastic steps to Fix Myself. For example, my mom told us at Thanksgiving dinner 2 years ago that my dad has a gene mutation called MTHFKR or some shit like that. (The doctor told him it was the motherfucker gene--no joke--and so that is how we all remember the acronym without knowing exactly which letters made it there.) It has something to do with digesting some kind of protein (I think--I refuse to look it up because then I will immediately have all of the symptoms again), and it can cause all kinds of weird stuff, like anxiety, which runs like a racehorse through my family.
        In order to fix this problem, my mom used her #1 superpower of 2-day free amazon prime shipping to send me and my sister these weird vitamins. I took them diligently every morning for months without ever really knowing if they were changing anything. Mostly because I never bothered to look into getting tested for the mutation for real--because disliking going to the doctor also runs in my family.
        This time, what I’m pretty sure is wrong is that I am lactose intolerant. So far, the most drastic steps I have taken to change is to eat a turkey sandwich WITHOUT CHEESE (like a monster). But then I also keep doing shit like following up that sandwich with an enormous pretzel ice cream sundae and gas station mac ‘n cheese back to back. Then I justify it by thinking things like: If I’m really lactose intolerant, I will know FOR SURE when all this dairy hits my small intestine.
        I also have started carrying around lactaid and forgetting to take it until long after the first bite of dairy the box recommends. And I refuse to google whether or not it does anything if you take it half an hour after your pretzel sundae, because if I don’t know the real answer, I can still feel it working!!
        This is a serious question: how long can you continue to consume large amounts of dairy--after deciding you are lactose intolerant--before it is insane? What if you’re also pretty sure that this is all just a Phase You’re Going Through?
        Counterpoint: if this is a phase, how do you explain the near-constant diarrhea? So maybe this time, I actually have discovered my One Big Problem that I can fix (and fix easily if you consider removing all cheese from your diet easy, which I do not).
        I wonder which part is more wishful thinking: that I have a singular problem that will cure everything that is wrong with me OR that I will be able to eliminate cheese and ice cream for 2 straight weeks to see if I’m right?

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