Denzel
There’s this meme I love where a real boy is eating ice cream next to a picture of people also eating ice cream. The joke is that this is what it is like to listen to podcasts. You feel like you are a part of the conversation, like you are hanging out with your friends. But really, the people you’re listening to all live in Los Angeles and have NO CLUE who you are.
I saw a matinee of Rocketman last week. Just me and a bunch of senior citizens who kept gasping out loud and talking to Elton, and all I wanted to do was yell at them, “THE MOVIE CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!!!!!!” But in my kitchen, listening to the Doughboys hypothesize about some bullshit like the differences between two types of cheese, I am the obnoxious senior citizen gasping out loud and screaming at my phone. I can’t help my friendless self. Sometimes in podcasts, they (the hosts/ my personal best friends) will even be like, “I bet people are screaming the answer at us and banging their heads against their steering wheels in frustration!” And I always think, “Those idiot listeners, calm down, it’s a podcast.”
Speaking of podcasts (flawless transition), I heard a rumor on one yesterday that Denzel tells actresses in sex scenes, “Don’t be offended if I get a boner, and don’t be offended if I DON’T.” Genius. Always temper expectations. And so then I (obviously) practiced having this exact conversation with everyone I’ve ever known /met once at a weird thing except about my blog (not my boners). “Please,” I will plead with them, “please, please don’t be offended if I write about you. And please please don’t be offended if I don't.” Because I am the Denzel of blogs when this conversation takes place, they will of course laugh themselves to death and their very final act will be to tweet about what a goddamn genius writer I am.
Speaking of Denzel (again, flawless transition), I think my boyfriend is in love with him. He stans Denzel more than I stan anyone besides Tina Fey. (And Will Ferrell. And Amy Poehler. And actually lots of people. But the point is that I love so many things and he loves so few.) He gets SO excited when new Denzel movies show up on Netflix. Yesterday, he listed them all off for me! And said the only downside of this particular batch was that he’d already seen them all a whole bunch of times!!
I mean, I get it. Denzel is brilliant and his movies are ALWAYS (usually) good, and maybe I am a little in love with him too? More than anything, I love Connor’s reaction when I accuse him of having a crush on Denzel because he just kind of grudgingly agrees and then rants about how brilliant Denzel is and how his movies are ALWAYS good. And he might be mad reading this, my expose of his love for a 64 year old nearly mononymous man. But babe, remember what I already established via Denzel: please please don’t be offended if I do OR do not write about you and your love for Denzel/ get a boner.
I saw a matinee of Rocketman last week. Just me and a bunch of senior citizens who kept gasping out loud and talking to Elton, and all I wanted to do was yell at them, “THE MOVIE CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!!!!!!” But in my kitchen, listening to the Doughboys hypothesize about some bullshit like the differences between two types of cheese, I am the obnoxious senior citizen gasping out loud and screaming at my phone. I can’t help my friendless self. Sometimes in podcasts, they (the hosts/ my personal best friends) will even be like, “I bet people are screaming the answer at us and banging their heads against their steering wheels in frustration!” And I always think, “Those idiot listeners, calm down, it’s a podcast.”
Speaking of podcasts (flawless transition), I heard a rumor on one yesterday that Denzel tells actresses in sex scenes, “Don’t be offended if I get a boner, and don’t be offended if I DON’T.” Genius. Always temper expectations. And so then I (obviously) practiced having this exact conversation with everyone I’ve ever known /met once at a weird thing except about my blog (not my boners). “Please,” I will plead with them, “please, please don’t be offended if I write about you. And please please don’t be offended if I don't.” Because I am the Denzel of blogs when this conversation takes place, they will of course laugh themselves to death and their very final act will be to tweet about what a goddamn genius writer I am.
Speaking of Denzel (again, flawless transition), I think my boyfriend is in love with him. He stans Denzel more than I stan anyone besides Tina Fey. (And Will Ferrell. And Amy Poehler. And actually lots of people. But the point is that I love so many things and he loves so few.) He gets SO excited when new Denzel movies show up on Netflix. Yesterday, he listed them all off for me! And said the only downside of this particular batch was that he’d already seen them all a whole bunch of times!!
I mean, I get it. Denzel is brilliant and his movies are ALWAYS (usually) good, and maybe I am a little in love with him too? More than anything, I love Connor’s reaction when I accuse him of having a crush on Denzel because he just kind of grudgingly agrees and then rants about how brilliant Denzel is and how his movies are ALWAYS good. And he might be mad reading this, my expose of his love for a 64 year old nearly mononymous man. But babe, remember what I already established via Denzel: please please don’t be offended if I do OR do not write about you and your love for Denzel/ get a boner.
Comments
Post a Comment