my guide to your wedding
Did you know that a wedding dress has to be hemmed? They make them long on purpose so that somebody else can get paid to chop it to your exact right length. For your fitting, you will need to bring your exact right shoes and know the exact right type of floor you will be standing on. The seamstress will have an oxygen tank and make you stand in the front window of her store. You will feel--and will quite literally be-- on display. Women coming in and out will smile and tell you you look beautiful even though you are a mess from teaching kindergarten all day. In addition to the dress and the alterations and the shoes, you will also need a special bra that shapes your waist and hoists your sagging tits back a decade. You will put this all on your parents’ credit card, with their semi-blessing and a constant reminder that you are cut off the second the judge signs your marriage license. Did you know that you can ask to put your wedding dress in the “Captain’s Closet” when...