my guide to your wedding

Did you know that a wedding dress has to be hemmed? They make them long on purpose so that somebody else can get paid to chop it to your exact right length. For your fitting, you will need to bring your exact right shoes and know the exact right type of floor you will be standing on. The seamstress will have an oxygen tank and make you stand in the front window of her store. You will feel--and will quite literally be-- on display. Women coming in and out will smile and tell you you look beautiful even though you are a mess from teaching kindergarten all day. 

In addition to the dress and the alterations and the shoes, you will also need a special bra that shapes your waist and hoists your sagging tits back a decade. You will put this all on your parents’ credit card, with their semi-blessing and a constant reminder that you are cut off the second the judge signs your marriage license. 

Did you know that you can ask to put your wedding dress in the “Captain’s Closet” when you fly? You will tell the stewardess that you are flying with your wedding dress, and she will do that thing people think is funny where she will deadpan respond something like, “you can put it in the closet if you give me $5.” You will not know how to react because you have never flown with a wedding dress before and cannot tell if this is Delta’s official policy.

If your mom keeps asking what she can do to help, and you ask her to book your hair appointment, please keep in mind that she will try to find the cheapest one. You will be surprised that a Tennessee Williams character could be so bad at doing your hair. Your mom will show him the picture and he will not even come close. You will tell him about how the prom lady curled your baby hairs by your ears and made you look like a Hasidic Jewish man. He will assure you that he will do a better job. He will not. You will even let him cut those baby hairs. He will call you brave for this, which will then make you afraid. You will say that you are sorry but you do not like the 70s housewife he has turned you into. You will roll your eyes as he calls his next appointment and tells her this client is going long and so he will be running late. He will give you a low ponytail you truly could have done yourself. You will not find this a funny story six months later. 

Brace yourself to be the absolute center of attention and gravity. And brace yourself because your mom just might turn into a total bitch because she is not. Everyone else is going to want to talk to you about what a big fucking deal this is. The married women in your lives will reminisce. You will all dance around the idea that you are about to have state sanctioned sex. You will try not to think about your aunts and uncles on their wedding nights. 

If you do not prepare a registry, you will still get presents. (Useless shit, but thank you!) If you are lucky, people will take the hint and just give you envelopes and envelopes of cash. Some people will surprise you with their generosity--even though you didn’t want to invite them in the first place. Others may send you a holographic, plug-it-in-and-light-it-up picture of Jesus’s crucifixion. You will feel queasy as your life with this thing on your wall flashes before your eyes.

You will not get to spend that much time with your new husband at your wedding. You each have people there to see you. You already fucking live togehter, so it makes more sense to give this time to others. But then you may just end up with very different experiences of your wedding. 

Your sister will be the drunkest person in the room, and she will start a rousing sing-a-long of “Jingle Bells” with your new mother-in-law. 

Your new father-in-law does not drink, and so you will plan for him to drive you to your wedding night. This will creep you the fuck out, and so you will coerce your sister and his brother to come along for the ride. You will drive up on another wedding, and you will be just in time for everyone to be holding unlit sparklers. A skinny bride will give you a drunk hug because what a fucking coincidence! 

You will be absolutely fucking starving because that thing about not eating at your wedding is true: you are so anxious and your corset is so tight and you are literally there for people to watch you. When it all comes off and it’s dark and quiet again, you will scarf down whatever the fuck food is in the bag they packed for you. There will be a big bottle of champagne waiting for you, but you have already had so much fucking champagne. You can never get divorced because you can never do this again.